im addicted to your punishment

and on a whim i decided to come to this journal to look for old writings. i got to the second page and decided i couldnt go any further. i dont want to delete the entries but i dont want to read them either. if that makes any sense. AND OMG JEN! are you back? lol <3
i hope so. livejournal feels a bit.... crowded at the moment due to stalker issues.

OMGZ ENTRY!

i think i have a cold. icky poo poo.
ANYWAYS
wowwww i cannot believe its been almost a year since i have updated this. EEP!
so okay
( PICTURE TIME )

RIP KURT COBAIN February 20, 1967- April 5, 1994

yea i know its a little late :(

Take the quiz: "What degree of cuts do you have? (pics!)"

3rd degree: Mild cuts
This type usually goes past the first layer of skin and into the fat layer. Some bleeding occurs, maybe a trickle and scabbing. Scars are left but are usually thin and superficial, rarely lasting more than a year tops. Your tool may be some type of pin, a knife, or generally any sharp edges (torn cans, flimsy blades from disposable leg razors, even plastic). This is the middle stages of cutting, around when addiction starts kicking in.

Hating

My life is such a waste
Begging on something to work this time
But why can't I relate?
Feeling all I do is get what's mine
Holding on to faith, never gave me nothing but despair
So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take (we have a start)
I can't pay (we got a fantasy)
Come what may (we are the stars)
I can't wait (I’ll take what’s mine)

Been hating all this time before I crawled inside
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find
Been hating all this time too far to cross the line
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

I cannot take this place
Burning up inside this space of mine
So why can't I replace, feelings I find hard to really find?
I try but I can't taste
Memories they always fuck with me
So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take (we have a start)
I can't pay (we got a fantasy)
Come what may (we are the stars)
I can't wait (I’ll take what’s mine)

Been hating all this time before I crawled inside
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find
Been hating all this time too far to cross the line
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find,
find, find, find, find, find, find, find

All my feelings have been eating onto me
Feed inside, is there something wrong
with me?

I can't take (we have a start)
I can't pay (we got a fantasy)
Come what may (we are the stars)
I can't wait (I’ll take what’s mine)

Been hating all this time before I crawled inside
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find
Been hating all this time too far to cross the line
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find,
find, find, find, find, find, find, find

Video code provided by MusicVideoCodes.com

Tweak says, "No, we don't eat the journals"



lmao
sometimes i wonder

ok tonight is one of my not so better nights. i was gonna make this entry friends only, then i was gonna make it private. then i decided fuck it, ill just leave it public. besides its not like anyone knows my name here anywayz.
im in too deep.
im not gonna get hurt, its too late for that. nothing is gonna make this better. today has just been shitty. ive been fooling myself, and i realize this now.
i love him
there i said it
now tell me how stupid i am
and im lying to myself
im gonna bleed tonight
its just the question of when
geez i want to cry and im fucking unable to do that
and no offense but i dont need anyone to say theyre sorry
its my own stupidity
i feel broken
or broken down
how could i let him get through to me
ive reached the bottom
tonight i went to the bar and it seems i told 3947765932 drunk guys "hey im up here"
geez
wtfd
now i remember why i stopped going
there was this guy that was there with us, and he was talking about lou ann and chris having deep conversation
and i said, yea i guess we are supposed to just sit here and look cute
and i thought
isnt that what i have done my whole life?
geez
im pathetic
im tired of faking this life
one of these days im just gonna explode and
then what
i dont know
but im scared to know

Woooooooooooooooooooot I got cable for tonight!! Im watchin Full House :P
So yea Im in Durham. I got to escape shytty Burlington for one night haha. Im trying to make plans to get to go to California for my birthday. The money isnt the biggest thing for me right now, its how to get to Raleigh airport and from the Airport in Cali to the hotel I will be at. Thats pretty much the only thing Im worrying about. Anyways
Im back to my writing again woot!! Hopefully I will keep it up this time and not let it go for so long again.
I get to watch Smallville tonight wooooooooot!! And The Man In The Moon comes on tonight!! I love that movie :D

Your Ten Card Reading




OVERVIEW
You cannot see your way out of a budget mess, but it may not be business as usual, until you look little deeper. Take decisive action to restructure things connected with home and property. You need your leadership ability now to control your money situation. Lucky number is 4.

WISHES
Become more outgoing socially and introduce yourself to new people who you can have a fun time with. Enjoy this gift coming to you from the "Universe of all blessed things". You deserve a break from the serious things you have had to cope with lately. It is party time for you!

ROMANCE
This may be a time to break away from the past and revamp parts of your life. In matters of the heart, there are some unhappy feelings you will have to deal with from a past relationship. Time is the best healer. You are going to feel much better in a short while. Accept what has happened you cannot change it anyway. You will not have to deal with those feelings again.

RELATIONSHIPS
If you feel there is an undercurrent of dishonesty which you cannot stand, even in its mildest form, you may become very tense when you talk to a friend. Unless you can work out a compromise, love or friendship will get increasingly difficult. Start looking for better companions.

MONEY
If something does not feel right, do not push too hard if it is related to houses, rentals or property. You may have problems trying to collect money that is owed to you. Set it aside for now. In time, your wishes will be realized with some strange twists along the way.

SUCCESS
The key to success is not to give up when you are faced with resistance to your ideas. The more you succeed, the more it will develop your stamina and keep you immune to outside opinions. Soon people will be laughing with you rather than at you. There are powerful forces working on your behalf and you can move ahead rapidly. You are on a roll and the red carpet is just waiting to be laid out for you.

BLESSINGS
You can make others feel cared for and understood. People feel instantly comfortable with you and this aspect of your personality is a blessing to the people that you come in contact with. This tends to bring new people into your life. Try to stay objective while being compassionate, otherwise you may get unwittingly tangled in the negetive aspects of peoples' lives.

SUNPRISES
You may have difficulty finding or getting a document, which may play a crucial part in a project. Whatever you do, do not pressure yourself into finding it right away. Efforts to turn your idea into action may be restricted by either lack of money or time. You maybe unsure in which direction you should proceed. Sit and wait for a clear signal to proceed.

PROBLEMS
If you are having trouble making decisions, do not push it. Very likely there are strong forces trying to steer you right. Try not to get depressed by all the work that may come your way. Take your time to sort out what is the most important and leave the rest for a later date. Things that are done hastily now, are not going to go well and probably will need to get redone anyway, so relax.

OUTCOME
Circumstances and the actions of someone else may test your will power to keep your mouth zipped. You may have to muster up all of your determination to keep your frustrations secret. Consider asking friends or family to support you during this stressful period. You will soon see that things calm down. One of the biggest obstacles is that you will not be able to control outside situations that occur. With some effort, you do have the ability to control your own reactions to situations. This may be the perfect time to start changes that will have far reaching results.

BUZZ!!!
Paul2 : hehe
BUZZ!!!
Case : whats up
Case : hows it been
Paul2 : hello?
Paul2 : talk to me....
Paul2 : please....   
Case : hey
Case : u still there?
Case : ??
Paul2 : yup
Case : ok sorry
Case : my dsl connection died on me
Paul2 : k
Case : was about to get on the other puter
Paul2 : i guess i will change my pic now
Case : ??
Paul2 : k
Case : y u gotta change it
Paul2 : huh
Paul2 : better?
Case : u said u had to change it just wondering why
Paul2 : i was sad that you were not answering
Case :
Case : sorry but it was outta my control
Paul2 : i know iknow.... controle is an illusion....
Paul2 : sp?
Case : yea i know
Case : blah
Paul2 : blah?
Case : yea
Paul2 : what is wrong?
Case : something like that lol
Paul2 : well, I can't be on long...
Paul2 : talk to me...
Case : my net died then tony was gone when i got back
Case : talk to you about what
Paul2 : you
Paul2 : me
Paul2 : us
Paul2 : life
Case : ok um lost??
Paul2 : i dunno
Case : what about us
Case : ??
Paul2 : i was hoping to catch up...
Case : yea me too
Paul2 :   well
Case : well whats been up with you
Paul2 : work....  wanting a steady relationship...   not knowing who to trust,,,,
Case : yea bout the same here
Case : theres only been 2 or 3 ive been able to trust in the last months time
Paul2 : who haas that been?
Paul2 : *has
Case : liz sherri and tony
Paul2 : hmm
Case : and before u ask
Paul2 : i am still here and single...
Paul2 : I trusted you and lost you
Case : tony lives in cali has a girlfriend and is 16
Case : yea i guess im screwy
Paul2 : screwy?
Case : yea
Case : screwy
Case : as in stupid
Paul2 : i thought that this whole time you have been talking about some other guy
Case : what
Case : no
Case : when
Case : huh
Paul2 : ....
Case : uhm??
Case : what do u mean
Case : when
Paul2 : your Myspace and LJ...
Case : u read my LJ??
Case : lol
Case : no no other guy i talk about but u and tony anymore
Paul2 : I read them and get the impression that you are talking about someone else
Case : who else would i be talking about
Case : i told u guys around here suck
Case : i thought u were bored wif me or something
Paul2 : nop[e
Paul2 : nope
Paul2 : never was
Paul2 : actually, I was really starting to get interested
Case : oh
Case : told u i was reflicted
Paul2 : hmmm
Paul2 : i told tou personally that i was not going to be able to taslk on here any more...
Case : yea i know
Case : which doesnt make it any easier
Paul2 : i was hoping that you were going to try and keep in touch
Case : how??
Paul2 : ??
Case : i lost ur number i cant call
Paul2 : 803-328-1765
Paul2 : ...
Paul2 : i miss falling asleep with you after making love to you....
Case :
Case : well ive been waiting to talk to you for awhike
Case : awhile*
Paul2 : as have i
Case : with you talking about coming down here i found out it would be ok for you to stay here
Case : but i didnt know when to tell u
Case : u seem too busy
Paul2 : i am now...
Paul2 : but
Paul2 : all i have to do is ask for a day or two off...
Case : not for me no
Case : i wont let u
Paul2 : I will be there when ever i can
Case : i missed u
Paul2 : i still miss you
Case : well thats what i meant
Paul2 : ...
Case : things have been shitty lately dont mind me
Paul2 : k
Case : sorry
Paul2 : same here'
Case :
Case : whas wrong
Paul2 : it is ok
Paul2 : work
Case : oh
Paul2 : life w/o you
Paul2 : ssdd
Case : without me huh
Paul2 : well
Paul2 : ...
Case : why me
Paul2 : i started to get attached then you "left"
Case : i didnt leave????
Paul2 : i know, i know....
Paul2 : we both got distracted....
Case : yea
Case : tell me about it
Paul2 : but, i am still here
Case : me too
Paul2 :
Case : youre the first one ive really gotten involved with since my ex left
Case :
Paul2 : really?
Case : yea
Case : and its been 10 months now since he left
Paul2 : this whole time i thought that you were involved wwith someone else too
Case : no
Paul2 : ?
Case : hell the only reason i took single off my profile cause i was talking to you
Paul2 : so, all the stuff you have been writing about has been about me??!?!?!?!
Case : yea
Paul2 :
Case : i thought u knew me better
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
Paul2 : i didn't...
Case : yea we havent had much time i guess
Paul2 : i am just starting to know you now
Paul2 : exactly
Case : why else would i have had u on my profile
Case : come on now
Case : lol
Paul2 : ?
Case : the pic
Paul2 : ?
Case : nvm lol
Paul2 : on what profile?
Case : u must have missed that
Case : i had it on both
Case : but i took it off the one im on now last week
Paul2 : Myspace?
Case : i didnt know what to think anymore
Case : yea
Paul2 : hmmm
Paul2 : well, do you know?
Paul2 : now?
Case : i still dont know what to think lol
Paul2 : if not then you are screwey
Case : since christmas has been all blah for me
Case : yea
Case : i ma
Case : am*
Paul2 : so am i since....
Paul2 : well
Case : i really dont know what to think about anything anymore
Paul2 : true
Paul2 : i dont eather
Paul2 : either
Paul2 : ??
Case : what
Paul2 : i don't know what to think about anything anymore..... too
Case : what are u thinking now
Paul2 : i still miss you... i still trust you... i still want you in my life....     .....
Paul2 : i still love you...
Case : yea same here
Paul2 : if you still love me that is........
Case : of course
Case : i never stopped
Paul2 :
Paul2 : well
Paul2 : when are you available?
Case : always
Case : after this week lol
Paul2 : k
Case : why
Paul2 : i want to see you... well... need to see you...
Paul2 : hold you
Case : me too
Paul2 : k
Paul2 : well....  i have to go i a lil bit... can i call you?
Case : so how much have u seen in my LJ
Case : yea
Case : do u have my house #
Paul2 : yup
Case : 336 229 4034
Case : just incase lol
Case : miss u
Paul2 : i miss you too honey
Case : u gone ??
Paul2 : ?
Paul2 : wha
Paul2 : ?
Case : didnt know if u were going now or what
Paul2 : yeah
Paul2 : i need to
Paul2 : do you want me to call you now?
Case : if u want to
Paul2 : i have to get off the puter
Case : ok
Case :
Paul2 : i will call you in a minute
Case : ok
Case : byez then
Paul2 :
Case : u too
Paul2 : byze for now     ...
Paul2 : byez
Paul2 : sp?
Case : ok lol
Case :
Paul2 has signed out. (1/5/2005 2:41 AM)

Argh my DSL has been down most of the day. Just when I was going to give up and call someone it came back yay. I took Chris down the road in the stroller and strolled him around in there for a few minutes. Coming back was hell cause of this hill and I had to push him in the grass cause I couldnt see what was coming. I wont go that way anymore LOL. He got to play outside for a few. Trying to play basketball and the ball bounced offa his head haha. It was only a small one tho hehe. I got some pics :D then my batteries died so Im recharging them. I didnt get to take pics for someone like I said I would oops. Which reminds me SOMEONE!!!! PICS. I wan see hair!! haha
boring day i know

OVERVIEW
Decisions will be redirected having a much better chance of being successful this time. Projects are ready to go and are set in motion. Support will arrive from all directions and it will encourage you to stay on track. You have learned your lessons well. Lucky number is 1.

WISHES
Needless to say, you may not be venturing out into the party life just yet. You may need to apologize for something you wish you had not said, when you were angry with a loved one. You wish you could take a trip to see your loved ones or they could come and visit you.

ROMANCE
Try very hard to control your impulse to tell someone they are wrong. Look for common interests and similar goals instead. Do not waste a minute more in a dried out relationship. The changes will help you to move quicker in a new direction. Adjusting will be somewhat strange, but that feeling will be replaced by feelings of excitement over your new lifestyle.

RELATIONSHIPS
Give someone a chance to prove themselves either way. Then you will know how to make the right decision. You need to take care that worries and negative thinking do not invade your happy space. You have the ability to create a fabulous aura in almost everything you do. Sprinkle some positive glitter on your thoughts.

MONEY
You feel you are at the top of your form professionally. When you feel that confident you can transfer that confidence into a brilliant career move. You may want to ask for a promotion, which includes an increase in salary. You may feel ready to move to another company all together.

SUCCESS
You are at your best when you can give what you have to others. You may have noticed that you have been overly generous at times, then again, too selfish when you should have be more generous. Try new ways of being generous. You will know when your approach is the right one for you if you feel happy afterwards. Learning to balance generosity with prudence will ultimately lead to success and happiness.

BLESSINGS
Papers may be ready to be sent or documents may arrive that will put an end to a problem. A missing puzzle piece will come to light that will complete a picture and also help solve a mystery. You are pleased with the answer you get from a close friend or lover. Luck with money or good deals follows you around. Take advantage of it while it lasts. Correct or repair something you have set aside for too long.

SUNPRISES
You could be making decisions that will make a surprising difference to you later. If you get in trouble and find that you need help, all you have to do is ask for it. You are not as alone as you may think. Life is only as complex as you choose to make it. The stronger you react to a situation, that does not require a strong response, the more difficult you are making it for yourself.

PROBLEMS
There may be a major power struggle going on that forces you to explain everything carefully when you address a sensitive emotional issue. Be cautious in writing, as everything you say could be held against you; haunting you at some later date. Avoid people you feel create problems instead of moving forwards. Actually zoom away from them as fast as possible.

OUTCOME
You have learned a few valuable lessons from past mistakes, giving you an uplifted feeling. Look where you want to be in the future. An attitude of wanting to always learn more will add bounce to your step. You may question whether your carefree attitude will have concrete benefits, meanwhile wanting to enjoy the wonderful feelings it produces. You may wish to pursue some form of training related to your work or restart a hobby that you have enjoyed at different times in your life.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

Living this life of lies
Consumed by sin
Beginning to give up hope
I have to give in, you win
Its over now
It stops here
The looking glass Ive been looking through
Has finally become clear
Does anyone really care
Im broken and bleeding
My own self destruction
I hate wanting and needing
Fly me to the moon
I wish I was that high
Then I wouldnt be consumed by sin
Living a life of lies

OVERVIEW
Be careful not to overbook yourself. It is important to plan for the future, but you must live in the present. If you are not getting what you want now, the rest does not matter. Focus on today and not what you fear may come down the road. Lucky number is 2.

WISHES
Meditation will enable you to see a situation calmly and clearly. Turning the spotlight inward will actually help a seemingly impossible situation resolve itself faster. You will make a decision to forgive and forget the past and get on with the present.

ROMANCE
You would be better off not to reminisce over a past lover who may have been too controlling and possessive. Be aware that old memories have an influence on anything new you begin. Now is here, the past is the past. Someone you do not know very well, you feel has an unusual magnetism, because they seem so mysterious. Keep your heart open for a new and interesting admirer crossing your path. They may be unusual by your standards.
(wonder who that could mean)

RELATIONSHIPS
A relationship taught you new things about yourself even if it did not continue. Your dreams could be shattered if you think that someone has been leading you down the wrong path. Stories about associates or friends that have recently circulated may not be completely true. Wait and you will hear more.

MONEY
A business proposal will be approved in the last minute. There will be quite a bit of paperwork to correct. Luck is on your side, finding where the mistakes came from, that caused the mess. You will be noticed and remembered. Afterwards you are going to wonder how you pulled it off, but proud of what you have accomplished.

SUCCESS
You derive a lot of pleasure from scoring points for your company and ensuring that no one feels like a loser. Be willing to assist someone who may have problems with a task. Idle gossip should be kept at a minimum. You may be tempted to waste time. Problems at home may contribute to a sense of imbalance.

BLESSINGS
The time is here when a fairy tale could come true. You will receive a blessing through a coincidence that appears "Out of the blue." Expect happiness, because there is a luck filled period coming up. The best set of plans could not have turned out half as good. Pinch yourself to be assured you are not dreaming, but not too hard.
(yay??)

SUNPRISES
Wishes need to be based on spiritual principals. Then they are very likely to come true. Maybe not in the exact form you expect, but they do arrive. Plans about your future will have less fear connected to them. Your wish will be realized, but only after you thought it would not be.

PROBLEMS
Your reputation is at stake when someone's gossip affects it and gives you a wrong image. You feel it is too valuable to be tarnished. Remind a friend of their promise not to gossip about you anymore. If you hear that they have not stopped you will have to dump them from your friends list.

OUTCOME
You can help others and they can help you to plan and organize practical matters. Despite your initial fears, you will make your wish come true. The frustrations and the delays you may experience could be used as an excuse to bail out from a commitment. As the situation progresses you are likely to get great satisfaction from the fact that you took a gamble and it looks like you are coming out a winner. A tough person does not emerge from doing easy things, but simply doing tough things. This is an excellent time to celebrate by visiting family or traveling to new places.